What does Jesus expect from me?

This is a question I would have answered from a far different place 15 years ago than I would now. You see my experience in the faith was largely based on appearance, works, and performance. In all of these things I was failing miserably. I thought the purpose of Christianity was looking the part on the outside no matter the ugliness that was controlling me on the inside. I would have told you that what Jesus wanted from me was perfection. After all, Jesus said, “Therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect”—Matt. 5:48 NKJV. Jesus made that statement after describing how we are to love our enemies.

I don’t know about you but I never understood how I could make myself love somebody, especially my enemies or even God Himself. I was made to believe through my own filter that God was asking something of me that I was unable to provide. I believe this was the open door that the devil used to influence unbelief in my heart and a shame that consumed me. All the while I was striving to “be perfect”. This is made even more challenging considering Jesus’ mandate for following Him. “Then He said to them all, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me”—Luke 9:23 NKJV. Deny yourself. That sounded to me like if it felt good, don't do it. Eventually this led me down a road away from God and belief. I just couldn’t reconcile the ugliness of my continual sin with a God who had much higher expectations.

So, I walked away. After nearly 25 years “in the faith”, I decided God must not exist. I gave myself over to my sin in 2011 with no specific purpose other than to satisfy whatever I was feeling. I was no longer bearing the guilt or shame for all the alcohol or debauchery I was consuming on a daily basis. It was freeing in a way to give in totally to base desires without worrying about what God would do to me or how it was affecting others in my life. Long story short God spoke to me in the middle of that horror and said, “I am real and I am not mad at you.” That happened in early 2012. Since then my pursuit of God has not been for perfection or holiness, but to know Him. I stopped trying to get free from alcohol, pornography, panic attacks, or restore broken relationships. I just wanted to know God.

Well, that pursuit has led to where I am now. Free from every addiction that bound me, in a totally restored relationship with my wife and kids, and free from the fear and anxiety that once owned me. Oh, and I also love Jesus and love my enemies. How is this possible? I realize now that God expects something only He can provide, which is Himself in us. “I say then: Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh.”—Galatians 5:16 NKJV. His Spirit enables us to live an abundant life free from the shame and self-righteousness that once bound us.

God isn’t asking us to live up to Him any longer. He came to empower us to do what we couldn't.  Be perfect as your heavenly Father is perfect. “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law.”—Galatians 5:22–23 NKJV. As a good friend frequently reminds me, "We don’t live to be, but rather we do because we are." John Wesley, the famous theologian and evangelist of the 18th Century stated, “What is Christian perfection? Loving God with all our heart, mind, soul and strength.¹” Out of His Spirit at work in us, we are able to overcome every sin, love every person, and approach His throne with confidence. He started it, and He will finish it...in Jesus name!

Bibliography

1. John Blanchard, ed., The Complete Gathered Gold: a Treasury of Quotations for Christians, Accordance electronic ed. (New York: Evangelical Press, 2006), paragraph 10184.